Tag: narcissistic abuse

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Is your Job making you sick?

Have you ever wondered if your job is making you sick?
Whether your current way of working is keeping you in “survival mode” because of the “urgency” of all your projects and how you must act immediately and be available 24/7?

Are the constant headaches, the neck and shoulder tension, the aching lower back and the tummy bloating and pain is all a result of a really stressful job?
Is the anxiety you feel, the constant nervy feeling in your body, the restless legs and the the lack of energy all a result of your job stress?

Do you refuse to take time off even when you are sick with the snott monster and just want to sleep, because you have a fear of taking sick leave because of what other people think?

Do you push through and open your computer even when your whole body hurts?

I have worked with countless people during the pandemic and ALL of them have worked while they had virus symptoms.
ALL OF THEM.

Isn’t that a sad statistic?
It makes me wonder what kind of illness will actually justify you taking time off to rest, relax, sleep and convalesce?
I mean – how sick do you need to get in order to actually give yourself time to heal?

The problem is that we have skewed the priorities of what is important and have decided that “letting others down” is more important than recovering from an illness our bodies have never had to fight before.

If there is one time in our lives that it is important to give our bodies rest, it is during this pandemic and we have symptoms!

The hustle of having to face emergency after emergency is not limited to hospitals – it can be bosses who yell, are moody, are unpredictable and lack empathy that will create stress in your mind, which moves to your body.
Time critical projects, and the feeling that you simply MUST keep grinding otherwise your job may be on the line, builds in your system as levels of stress hormone, which puts pressure on your heart and other organs.

In my opinion Working From Home has been the WORST thing to happen to workers since industrialisation! Why? Because it means you are working from the moment you wake up – unless you have excellent work/life boundaries in place.

Hands up if you have started work at 7am, (while the house was quiet) and worked through lunch, and then quickly put washing out, then vacuumed, then picked the kids up from school and then cooked dinner and then “finished off those last few things” after 8pm?

And please don’t forget what happened to your nervous system during lockdown, when you had to work a 40+hour week AS WELL AS managing the home schooling / preschool care AND all meal times and the increase in household cleaning due to everyone being home 24/7.

Our bodies were simply not designed to operate at high intensity all the time. We are designed to rebalance, recuperate and come back to a baseline.

The question I ask is, could your job be making you sick?

The answer is a resounding YES. Look at how many companies have defibrillators in their buildings. I am not saying the relationship is causal, but I do believe that the constant stress workers are under, plus interpersonal relationship strains, financial pressure and questionable lifestyle habits all create the perfect environment for cardiac events. And that time-sensitive project may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

I believe it is time that we started to re-prioritise how we view work and what it is doing to our wellbeing.

It is important for each worker to take personal responsibility for their own care and wellbeing. The old adage – if you don’t care about yourself, no one else will, holds true here.
This also includes employers taking responsibility for the environment they create for themselves and others.
The way we live in our modern world is very different to centuries past, however the hustle is only increasing, and the demands on our physical and mental wellbeing is increasing. There is no end in sight except for a holiday each year (if you can afford it) and then it is right back into the grind.

As someone who is living and working in their ideal career, and has created a workplace that I love to go to, I feel sad that this is not the experience of many people I work with. The majority only work because they “have to” and if they could they would retire as early as possible. Or they would work in a different industry for lower pay if they could afford it.


The feeling of being trapped by your work, or the number of hours you must work is a key ingredient that causes a spike in the stress hormones in your body and makes you feel pretty miserable in general. Cranky, irritable, poor sleep, hormonal shifts, weight gain, depression and increased anxiety are all to be expected when 5 days per week you are hating having to work, but feel that you “must”.

What can you do about it?

There are plenty of options. The first is to quit.
However, I am pretty sure that you will give me a myriad of excuses as to why this is absolutely not the solution.
The second option is to ask for a pay rise – but would more money make you like your job more?
The third option – drop the number of days you work – but can you live on a reduced income? (Most people can, they just don’t want to make those budget adjustments).
You could look for another job – but this requires effort that you may not have the energy for.
You could begin studying so you can move into the career that you dream of – but this will bring up lots of limiting beliefs and lack of confidence or self -esteem issues you have buried. And this may feel too scary to tackle right now.

^^^^^ This is the list my clients give me and all the excuses that arise when we look at those options.

Here is another way

You can choose to work on the thought patterns that make you stressed, your beliefs around work and why you keep showing up the way you do. You can release the trapped emotions that are keeping you stuck in the loop of hustle and grind. You can work on developing incredible self-esteem so you can put firm work boundaries in place which ensures rest and recovery as part of your workday.

Emotion Code and Energy Healing are the tools that WILL turn your life around. but don’t expect a magic healing in one session! There is a process you need to undergo in order to un-pack the energy strands you are holding, and to re-wire your brain to THRIVE on rest rather than STRESS!

This is why I have created a Nervous System Balance program that is especially for people who are feeling the effects of a high-stress work-life and who want to enjoy their life and start thriving again.

The program is designed to be completed over 6-8 weeks, and involves 6 90min balancing sessions. I will help you to develop a quick daily practice of simple to follow exercises that are proven to re-balance your nervous system, which will reduce the stress you feel in your body.
– identify your blocks and self-sabotage that keep you feeling stuck
– learn how to reduce the mental chatter that keeps you stressed
– sleep better
– feel more calm
– feel more in control of your life
– improve your relationships
– get your mojo back
– enjoy life again

Book your Nervous System Reset Package
Book your first program session here

Don’t wait until you get really sick before you start to take back control and turn your life around.

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When you can’t talk about it

Many women are afraid to speak out about their ex-partner’s verbal or emotional abuse for fear of what they will do. Many times if they catch wind of you talking about their behaviour, they will up their abuse with vicious text rants, email abuse or social media abuse and torments.
It works though – quite often the woman will retreat and hide and suffer alone and in silence.

The whole goal of a person with high narcissism traits is to have control – at all costs. And this includes control of how you think about them, and how you speak about them. If they can silence you, then that is the ultimate control.
When you call them out on their behaviour, it will be vastly different to their own perception. So you may experience verbal reprimands, yelling, gaslighting and re-writing of history.

Signs of verbal abuse

this is taken from mensline.org:

  • Yelling: it’s normal for people in relationships to raise their voice or yell every now and then, but ongoing and repeated yelling is cause for concern
  • Swearing and name calling: belittling your partner by calling them names, swearing at them, or putting them down
  • Demanding or ordering: telling your partner they have to do something and they don’t have a choice
  • Threatening or blackmail: telling your partner there will be consequences if they don’t do what you say – e.g. “If you go out with your friends tonight, don’t bother coming back”
  • “Gaslighting”:  whereby a person is manipulated into questioning their own sanity or perceptions
  • Manipulating: saying things to get someone to do what you want, often through guilt, such as “I did this for you” or “if you loved me you’d do this for me”
  • Patronising your partner: for example saying “You won’t understand, so I’ll explain this again”
  • Blame: always saying it was the person’s fault for “causing” the argument and making you be abusive
  • Passing abuse off as a joke: shaming, insulting, swearing or belittling your partner and then saying “I was only joking” or “You’re too sensitive”
  • Insulting people, or things, that your partner likes, or their religious beliefs
  • Refusing to talk to your partner and blaming them for your silence.

Long term effects of verbal abuse on victims can include low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-harm, and anxiety. Victims may also find it difficult to make decisions and doubt their own ability to communicate.

The end result of verbal and emotional abuse is the disempowerment of the person who is being abused. They will usually retreat, withdraw and give in, because what else can they do? Arguing will end up in them being called the aggressor. Getting angry and defensive will end up in them being told their “too sensitive” or “too aggressive”. Crying will end up in them being told they are “pathetic”. Going to the police will end up in them being told “the police are laughing at you!”

The answer to the madness is to learn how to release your emotional triggers that are always being pushed by the abuser.

Your emotional triggers are sitting right under the surface and are very raw. They have been pushed over and over again, over time, and are very reactive. You will also have trapped many emotions due to your wounded inner child, and also the part of you that believes this is all your fault and you brought it on yourself.
Victim-blaming is very common, which turns into self-loathing and self-hatred. If you are feeling this way, please know that this is just the wounds talking and is NOT TRUE.


You DID NOT cause this, but you CAN STOP THIS cycle from continuing.

What is true about you is that you have some areas to heal relating to resiliency, self-esteem, self love and confidence.
You have some areas to heal around setting boundaries and becoming independent (instead of co-dependent).
You have some areas to heal around internal validation rather than external validation.

Learning to heal after narcissistic abuse is going to be the biggest gift you can give yourself. It will release you from the pattern of putting others before yourself, and for abandoning your own needs. It requires a lot of patience and self-care on your own part to break those limiting beliefs you hold, and to move into better behaviour patterns that support re-empowerment.

I offer 45min Discovery & Empowerment sessions that help people who are beginning to understand narcissistic abuse, to become self-aware and grounded.
This can help you NOT to react to the abuser in your life, and to assert your own needs from a place of clarity.

I will help you come up with a plan to move forward – meeting your own needs and taking your power back.

Discovery & Empowerment
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Trauma Bonding

Let’s talk about empaths and narcissists in an intimate relationship.

It is a recipe for destruction. It can lead to death…literally and figuratively. Every time we hear about a domestic violence case on the news, you can be sure that this escalated over time, and the person who was experiencing the violence would have been in a toxic relationship, with many red flags from the beginning. There would have been many moments when they realised they should have left, however something kept them stuck.
NEVER is it okay to blame the victim, however it is important to understand psychologically what is happening.

Trauma bonding is the term used to describe what happens when a person is involved in a cycle of abuse, devaluation and then positive reinforcement. In a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits, you will experience the cycle of love-bombing/idealisation; devaluation; discard; hoovering (where they try to suck you back in if you try to leave the relationship). The inability of a victim to leave or distance themselves from an abusive partner is part of the cycle of abuse with a person with narcissistic traits.


An empath is defined by the Oxford dictionary as a “science fiction” term and is “a person with the paranormal ability to perceive the mental or emotional state of another individual.” In the spiritual world, people froth their empathic nature, and believe it is part of their “duty” in life, to feel other people’s feelings deeply. They believe it so much like it is their “cross to bear”. (Read more in my blog “Am I an Empath” and learn how to heal this myth.)

An empath is someone who is naturally a care-giver, and very often someone who puts other’s needs before themselves. They might know they do this, or they may not. They may believe that this makes them a good person, and may fear being selfish if they choose to look after themselves first. An empath will often see the good in people, and forgive quickly the bad behaviour – even when they are the victim of bad behaviour. They will make allowances and excuses “he didn’t mean it”, “he does that when he is drunk, but never when he isn’t”, “she is just blowing off steam”. “she treats me well when no-one is around”.

Because you hold an inherent belief that people are good on the inside you refuse to see the other person for who they truly are – only their potential. And that is where you run into trouble. This inability to acknowledge bad behaviour, (or worse – you internalise it and make it about you needing to do more or be more), can be extremely self-destructive to an empath. When you are in a narcissistic relationship, or at least a toxic one, you will notice that the person’s words NEVER match their actions. Let this be your #1 RED FLAG.
(From a spiritual perspective all people are made from the source, however this doesn’t make them necessarily “good for you”.)

You may make the decision to leave, and start making plans, and even find support from friends and family or professionals. But you get pulled back in by the nice gestures, the grand gestures, the apologies, the promises to change. And things may be good for a while. A week or a month. But sure enough the behaviour goes back to how it always was – and oftentimes it gets worse. Much worse. Because now you know you should have left before, but you chickened out and couldn’t go through with it, because he/she/they “said they would change and it would be better”.
Sound familiar?
It never changes for long. It always reverts to how it was. And it hurts even more and the trauma bond increases. The periods of positive reinforcement become fewer and further between the abuse periods

Trauma bonding is a very powerful force that can make friends and family really frustrated with you, and make you frustrated with yourself. So let’s just acknowledge that for a moment. And it is OK if those around you are frustrated. (and if you are frustrated with yourself!)
So let’s use this energy and transmute it into action!

You know that you know that your know that this relationship is toxic.
And you also know that is is REALLY SCARY to contemplate change.
All good.
It IS scary.
But you know what is more scary? Seeing how deep the damage can go – to your physical body, you emotional body, your mental body and your spiritual body. (There are many people staying in relationships long past their due date who have chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, mental health issues and contemplating suicide.)

STEPS TO TAKE:

So the starting place is to acknowledge what is.

The second step is to seek support from a professional who is experienced in working with people who are experiencing narcissistic abuse, and

And then naturally the third step is that you leave properly this time. For good. And you don’t go back for a second round or a third. (However this is REALLY difficult if you haven’t done any healing work on yourself before hand. I would even go so far as to say it is virtually impossible to leave without healing and counselling.)

Unless you have strong boundaries and have healed…(which can take a while) you will NOT be able to make a plan to leave and LEAVE FOR GOOD. So begin to heal BEFORE you leave and then you will feel strong and grounded for the road ahead.

Belle

Getting help from a professional who can help you identify the trauma bond, and identify the areas of trapped emotions you hold is the natural first step for anyone who is considering leaving a toxic relationship. The trauma bond is REAL, and the pattern keeps repeating itself over and over until you have healed enough that you can remove yourself.

Gift yourself this time and space so you can identify WHY you are in this relationship and HOW you can be released from the trauma bond.

Belle is an experienced counsellor and spiritual healer who will work with you to release your triggers and emotions that are trapped so you can feel stronger and more empowered.
Book your online or in-person session now

Book Here
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Healing after Narcissistic Abuse

As someone who has lived in a narc abuse situation and felt the immense pain of losing self-confidence, zest for life, grounding, sense of reality as far as what I knew I was seeing and feeling, but being told I wasn’t……it is dangerous and very damaging.

However, I hold no anger towards them anymore (oh yes, I went thru ALL the stages of grief, including anger, but I have moved thru to the lesson now)…

In order to heal and move forward, I had to go “no contact” and never go back. It was VERY painful. I felt like I had lost my life. My future. My happiness. But I HAD TO in order to gain my life and future and happiness again.

How did I heal? Thru working on the darkness – the Shadows – that were rising up in me. By choosing better mind habits and physical habits that supported healing and growth.

MANY people cycle in their narc relationship by GOING BACK, again and again – they keep HOPING it will change. But it doesn’t. It is very consistent. It feels like it gets worse every time – but it doesn’t, it is just that each time you GO BACK you have a renewed sense of hope that gets dashed…and it is THIS that hurts more and more.

They never change. Their insecure and fragile ego is the same – insecure and fragile.

BUT YOU CAN CHANGE...and you can take your power back and stop giving it away. You can CHOOSE to heal. And CHOOSE to make the heartbreaking choice to END THE MADNESS.

Your life depends on it. Truly it does. And unless you see the pattern and recognise your role in it, you will keep cycling. Feeling worse and worse each time. Until you have nothing left.

Don’t let yourself get to this place of utter brokenness – don’t allow yourself to get to this point.

EVERYONE can heal from this kind of relationship – you have to face your Victim part of self in the Shadows, and recognise the values and beliefs you are holding that have put you in this position. It comes down to personal responsibility and an acceptance of what is. The situation WILL NOT change AT ALL unless YOU begin to heal and make changes. And you need to do this REGARDLESS of whether the other person changes and does the work or not.

Their healing is NONE of your business. To think otherwise it is a form of co-dependence – and you need to address this too.

IF you are wanting to break the cycle, stop repeating the same patterns then get in touch. I can help you to heal and grow and get to know yourself again – on your terms!
I can help you access those parts of you in your Shadow, and release the energy strands of past lives and karma that is holding you in this pattern.

Get in touch,
Belle